Super Bowl L/50 Commercials Review Type Thing

Now I’m reviewing ads? Why? I don’t know. I guess for the not-so-sports-inclined the Super Bowl is more of a show of commercialism that can be sometimes entertaining in that regard alone, and for someone with a lack of TV reception like me, at the very least the commercials are easier to pull up than the game itself without encountering massive legal issues. These aren’t in airing order because it’s not like I’m going to bother pulling up a chart on what aired when. It’s possible I might miss some but I’m going off of YouTube’s list for the most part so that should cover just about the basics. Also ads are short so I’ll try to keep my thoughts short. Also for the heck of it I made it relatively alphabetical.

• 10 Cloverfield Lane: Is this even related
  Some girl crashes and some crazy guy kidnaps her because there might be some kind of monster or virus or zombie or alien or other plot device out there. Pretty much. It’s a movie. I saw the first Cloverfield, it was weird. That’s about it.
• Acura: Guy screams at car being made
  I find this one funny for being kinda dumb. It’s Van Halen or someone that sounds like Van Halen making random noises while this car exists in a weird purgatory. YEAH WHOOOOO OTHER SOUNDS.
• Advil: TAKE DRUGS
  Got a headache from all the commercials and hangovers and stuff? Pop some ibuprofen. It works. For all I care it can be store brand. Just don’t get it from “real Canadian Chinese pharmacies” that appear in your spam or it’s just chunks of drywall probably.
• Amazon Echo: Amazon could totally afford all these celebrities
  The newest trash can looking thing from Amazon that spies on you for all we know. I don’t even get the point of it. It’s a tube. Why do they keep making technology in trash can form? There’s the Apple trash can too. It’s like that one episode of Arthur where Arthur puts a banana peel into a trash can looking thing but it turns out it controls holograms and the holograms explode.
• Apartments Dot Com: Moving day dot com
  That one guy we’ve seen on things sings on a piano that’s on a lift for some reason. And then Lil Wayne is with some George Washington guy and WEEZY F BABY AND THE F IS FOR FOOTBALL. The football they kick off the building and it hits some random guy in the head on the ground and they bleed all over the place probably. Get a cheap apartment in the sky so you can rain down garbage on the underworlders.
• Audi: Top space man
  What if a car could go to space? It’d be a space car. They should make one. Space and cars are about going fast it looks like. So put them together.
• Avocados From Mexico: Why is this space
  Some weird Earth museum about not understanding what things are. And then for some reason Mexico and all of its avocados still exist. Is Mexico from space?
• Axe: You don’t need anything, but buy our deodorant stuff anyway
  All about how you don’t need a six pack but you got a thing. Also use all of their products at once. Smell like a chemical spill. Who may also be a man.
• Bud Light: VOTE BEER
  SCREW VOTING GET DRUNK. MAKE HUGE PENIS JOKES. MAKE AMERICA GREAT. GET AMERICA DRUNK. VOTE ALCOHOL.
• Budweiser: Not something but something else I guess
  BEER. BEER IS MANLY. DRINK ALL OF IT. DRINK ALL THE BEER EVER. But drink responsibly. DRINK BEER AND THERE’S CHICKS AND THEY HAVE SEX WITH YOU FOR DRINKING BEER AND YOU DRINK MORE BEER AND YOU CAN LIFT STUFF YEAH BEER MANLY BEER CHICKS BOOBS BEER.
• Budweiser: Where’s that fourth damn
  After all the YEAH BEER CHICKS BEER DRINK ALL THE BEER, this is the REAL beer commercial. Drink beer, but if you drive and drunk, FUCK YOU. Best beer commercial. No amount of farting boobs can top a British lady laying the smackdown on drunk drivers.
• Buick: Marry a football
  Marriage, but with football dudes there to channel football stuff. And a car can take off its roof.
• Butterfinger: Not the Simpsons
  REALLY BOLD FONTS. A commercial of nonsense. Butterfingers are weird and get stuck in your teeth. I don’t have them often.
• Campbell’s Chunky Soup: Mom heats up cans of soup because you’re too lazy to do that, until college forces you
  Moms can also support you in football, where most of the Chunky soup is made and consumed. On the field. That’s what halftime is. Everyone just sits down around a pot of Chunky soup. And then for some reason they turned it into a concert so they had to move the team pot over to like some parking lot probably.
• Coca-Cola: Marvel Coke Universe
  I am way behind on anything Marvel movie related. This new Avengers movie about rise of the Coke or something? Some small guy takes this big green guy’s Coke. Ant-Man against Hulk-Man or something. Also they can put soda into really tiny cans now. The Hulk can shove them into his nostrils without any problem.
• Colgate: DON’T WASTE WATER YOU JERK
  Okay who the hell actually runs the faucet the whole time when they brush? That’s weird as heck. I never learned any other method than the following: You run it briefly to wet it and you run it at the end to clear all the spit. If you run the faucet the entire time when you brush you are taking water from starving children and stuff. Also your bills go up. YOU WILL PAY FOR THIS.
• Dollar Shave Club: Change your gross razor
  If your razor grows like a face out of mold and junk you have a problem. Maybe it’s aliens. And if you take a shower, lock the door, because otherwise everyone will just spawn inside it.
• Doritos: Dogritos
  Dogs must eat Doritos or they will eat a person and absorb their skin to get the Doritos. Give a dog Doritos and avoid unnecessary funeral and CIA costs.
• Doritos: Hospital with Doritos is not sanitary
  Everyone’s eating Doritos. If you throw Doritos on the ground the baby will shoot out of the womb and be premature. Good job. Now you need like extra care and stuff and that costs more than Doritos.
• Febreze: You smell bad
  If you live in a house, you forget to smell it. It’s weird how that works. Now you can have your house smell like air freshener. Until it smells again.
• Fitbit: Actually more of a watch kinda
  Now their little device that tracks your every move and does fitness stuff is now actually somewhat useful because it can tell time. And since it’s a smart watch it does too much now. What if I just want a regular watch?
• GoPro: A O LET’S GO
  A O LET’S GO A O LET’S GO A O LET’S GO A O LET’S GO A O LET’S GO A O LET’S GO A O LET’S GO A O LET’S GO. This is a camera that does things.
• Heinz: Is it ketchup or catsup, it’s ketchup, what the hell is catsup
  KEN LEEEEEEEEEE. It’s that song. Also meet ketchup with dogs. Eat your dogs with Heinz brand ketchup type stuff which is also mustard apparently. Actually maybe don’t.
• Honda: Some truck commercial
  Why do the sheep sing Queen. Also the dog is an announcer. What is this. They know their car is a car so they make the commercial about other things.
• Hyundai: The chase for cars
  Why are they running from bears and then the bears talk and apparently having a smart watch on your car is a good idea because then nobody will steal if even if they rip off your arm? What is technology?
• Hyundai: Every dude is the same
  If girls drive cars then every dude is this one dude I guess. Drive this one to have everyone look the same.
• Hyundai: First date I guess
  NEW AND COOL STALKER TECHNOLOGY. All about messing up dates so you can never have kids from your kids. Kids must never have more kids. Especially with kids. Of kids. THE FUTURE IS HERE. POLICE COPS. DATE COPS. COP DATES.
• Intuit Quickbooks: PIRATE VIKINGS DOING TAXES
  They should have more commercials. Viking coffee is the best. So is pirate coffee. Combine them and it’s more coffee than coffee. They actually exist apparently. Thanks for not having your tax software commercial be about boring taxes but about coffee that you can drink and be like a pirate viking.
• Jack In The Box: FREE BURGERS
  Or “how to make your employees go through hell”. But they don’t just give you a burger, you gotta do some coupon thing on some site that’s probably already DDOSed to hell and back. And then you get to DDOS the stores themselves with your bodies.
• Jason Bourne Movie Film Thing: Press X to why are they still making these
  It’s some kind of action movie about this guy who’s running from the cops for some reason I guess. I don’t know what’s going on at all.
• Jeep: 4x4x4x4x4x4x4x4x4x4x4x4x4x4x4x4x4x4x4
  4x4 by land, sure. 4x4 by sea, uh, I don’t know how that works but I guess if you wanna design a boat like that, sure. 4x4 by air? Maybe the number of propellers or turbines? #HASHTAG #4BY4EVA #NOFILTER
• Jeep: Pictures of people, also robots and dinosaurs
  This commercial would be a little more poignant if they didn’t throw in the weird movie stuff, like, oh, accomplished a lot, also fictional settings. Stunts are hard, yes, but that just seems kinda outta nowhere.
• Jungle Book Movie (The New One): Some commercial for it
  The Jungle Book. An EDGY REBOOT. IN 3D FORM!!! IT COMES OUT THE SCREEN LIKE WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AND YOUR FACE EXPLODES AND STUFF.
• KFC: Colonel O-Face
  So they respond to the ads about the Colonel being a real person and portrayed by an actor selling the chicken by making another ad about the Colonel being a real person who sells chicken but is still being portrayed by an actor. Okay.
• Kia: Puns
  WALKEN CLOSET. YOU WALK IN AND THERE’S WALKEN IN THERE. GET IT. I mean who wouldn’t want Walken in their closet. Okay maybe there’s a point with that but still. Also is Tom Cruise in there too?
• LG Electronics: THE FUTURE IS REAL
  The future belongs to the people who make the best TVs. Apparently. This TV is made of glass. That certainly won’t be a liability. Nope. No lawsuits from being completely eviscerated by punching a TV.
• M&T Bank: Winning isn’t important YOU LOSERS
  HAHAHAHAHA his name is Dick Cass. Get it? Football people with names that sound dirty if you say them out loud. That’s all I really took from this commercial. Sorry about that.
• Marmot: Some kind of rat thing
  Camp in our tents and YOU may get the chance to make out with some rat. Weirdo.
• Michelob Ultra: INHALE THIS ENTIRE BEER
  It’s a bunch of people breathing REALLY LOUDLY. Pretty creepy. Beer for the loud breathers in your life. Your stalkers.
• Mini: Even cars have stereotypes
  Don’t do stereotypes. If a car works, a car works. Also people.
• Mobile Strike: Arnold Schwarzenegger for some reason
  So does he need subtitles now? I know he has an accent but it’s not ridiculous. Also they’re advertising it as an app that can spawn tanks in REAL LIFE. It’s another one of those free-to-play mobile things where you pay money sometimes and you also annoy friends.
• Mountain Dew: Puppymonkeybabymanbearpig
  Is this the Pokémon commercial. Oh, wait, no, this is just weird as hell. I don’t want to do any Dew. It’s more a product of crackcocaineheroinmethpotLSD.
• NFL: Super Bowl babies FROM THE PAST FUTURE
  Why is there Seahawks babies out of nowhere. This is from 2 years ago or something. What is the point of this. Is it about adoption?
• NFL: Super Bowl babies EVEN MORE PAST AND FUTURE
  Winning football makes babies. This is all about which city gets to have more babies. The winning city gets breeding rights for the year. This is the future.
• NFL: SINGING SUPER BOWL BABIES
  Anyone probably conceived after a Super Bowl sings with Seal about how their parents did the do and now they exist. Kinda weird to think about but strange stuff happens.
• NFL: SUPER BOWL IN THE REAL FUTURE
  Super Bowl 100. That’s Super Bowl C. The Super Bowlc. Freeze yourself today.
• No More: DON’T MURDER YOUR SPOUSE YOU JERK
  Stupid abusive jerks don’t deserve other people. That’s the gist of things. They must be alone. Forever. Locked underground in some weird capsule prison thing maybe. That seems to be the message people will get from this commercial. But really save the nice people, get them away from criminals. See I’m not good at serious things.
• OIC is Different: Envy of pooping
  Apparently taking some drug clogs your butt. Don’t be constipated a lot. And no minute-long segment about this drug that will solve it might cause your face to fall off. Maybe there isn’t a drug. Or the drug is in development.
• Pantene: Good dads mess with their daughter’s hair
  Apparently to be a good dad means your kid will be strong, which is good. You don’t have to be good at hair either. Just don’t rip it out or forget to clean it.
• Paypal: Paypal really isn’t that new compared to things
  Is this that song that sounds like BLKKKKKKK SKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKN HEAD by Kanye West or that song that sounds like that song that sounds like that song from Kanye West? Does that song sample this one? I don’t know. This one’s hella corporate. And boring. I could invent a better PowerPoint and play Skrillex.
• Pepsi: Drink Pepsi and have a weird hairdo
  This girl dances and holds a Pepsi and lives inside a giant Pepsi logo. Also her hair is kinda weird-looking.
• Persil Proclean: I never heard of this one
  Apparently this is a top detergent. I never heard of it. They just say it’s the best. What is it even. It could be like a box full of Windex for all we know.
• Pokémon: Anything you can do I can do by doing something else
  All these kids say they’re going to do “that” but they keep doing something else totally different and then it ends up at Pokémon, so like the future there’s just going to be the monsters that came out of science and people will just eventually have them. If it wasn’t Pokémon it’d be a Nike commercial.
• Quicken Loans: What are they even thinking here
  Put a mortgage with a phone and that’s somehow an innovation. And now it’ll MAKE AMERICA GREAT again. Put mortgages in ICBMs and rain them down on countries to give them FREEDOM. All while that one song I forget the name of from LittleBigPlanet plays I think.
• Schick: HYDRO THUNDER
  It’s hard to remember how to spell Sschscshhcshchick until you remember it’s a chick who’s got dat S. And now Michael Bay presents RAZORFORMERS.
• Secret Life Of Pets: Some movie commercial
  What do pets do while everyone’s out? Frat parties apparently. Also they have to throw in Minions into the commercial because that’s all any kid recognizes now. Twinkies. Also why is it System of a Down? What is that song about? Pretty much sex stuff. Yeah. Big damn orgies. Dog orgies. Dorgies. Don’t be animating that please on this film.
• Shock Top: That orange dude looks weird as hell
  That orange dude looks weird as hell. The puppet thing wasn’t improving it. I was thinking it would jump off the tap and eat out the guy’s eyeballs. Wouldn’t that be a commercial.
• Showtime: LOOK AT ALL OUR SHOWS
  And now you can get TV on your PHONE! It’s so TINY! Also you still gotta pay for it. Can’t just ad support it can they. I don’t even know what’s on Showtime. Game of Thrones is on HBO I think and Walking Dead is AMC. I don’t know what else there is.
• Snickers: Marilyn Monroe impersonator tryouts
  She’s a dude in a dress when she doesn’t have Snickers. I don’t even know if those existed back then. Then that one guy we know is in the back and saying the scene won’t be good. LITTLE DOES HE KNOW WE ARE IN THE FUTURE AND ALL SCENES ARE GOOD.
• Squarespace: Rap dudes
  Apparently these guys want to comment on sports. I will comment on this. This is weird. Their website is apparently about rap sports commentary. I know when the hotline blings I go to Miami and do Hotlime Miami because phones ring, they don’t “bling” unless they’re diamond-encrusted.
• Skittles: Steven Tyler doesn’t have that large of a mouth
  Steven Tyler makes his portrait made out of Skittles for some reason explode with high notes. Why are Skittles so weird. They have to do that because people like M&Ms more I guess.
• Sofi: Great loans or something
  Great loans for great people. You have to be great to take out a loan. Don’t be a dumb jerk who’s not great. You dumb not-great jerk. Stop being not great. Only great people can have money.
• Taco Bell: Bigger than a taco with a name
  REAL FOOTBALL. OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH BURNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN. Also add memes. And things that were big somehow. I barely even know what Tinder is except you get to just look at people and swipe at them a lot. Maybe that’s the entire thing.
• T-Mobile: I KNOW WHEN THAT PHONE-BRAND PHONE PLAYS A LICENSED RINGTONE
  Drake talks to THE MAN about SELLING OUT and is TOTALLY OKAY WITH IT. Bizarro world. For a video that seems like it was thrown together it sure got popular. Hotline Miami 3: Bling Edition.
• T-Mobile: SURVEY SAYS
  This guy takes back on this one Verizon commercial about balls and just floods the stage with balls. Of course. So many balls. Name words that can be used as other words for testicles. It’s just like the show!
• Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2, But A Different Movie: Commercial thing
  They still look weird. Who okayed this? Money, right. Everything explodes because Michael Bay.
• Toyota Prius: Really long-ass commercial, these guys must be loaded
  Apparently this car never runs out of power and goes really fast and someone steals one maybe and it’s impossible to catch a Prius. You know, you could have helicopters shoot missiles or something. Also everyone likes the criminals because FUCK THE POLICE COMING STRAIGHT FROM THE UNDERGROUND.
• Turbotax: Does a Super Bowl commercial count as selling out
  It’s like that weird part of Wayne’s World where they’re suddenly wearing a bunch of logos and eating various products with the logos showing and stuff. But a fancy dude is doing that this time.
• United Healthcare: PUNCH THINGS GET INSURANCE
  Some doofus punches a raw meat, the raw meat is solid ice, his hand stops being a hand. Get insured, but don’t be a big idiot. Also if that wasn’t frozen he’d have bruised the carcass and would have to pay a lot for it. Which costs more, insurance or a big cow flesh thing?
• Weathertech: HARVESTING HUMAN RESOURCES
  But not in the Matrix-y way. It’s just MADE IN THE USA. MAKE AMERICA MAKE THINGS AGAIN. What do they make? I don’t even know. It’s stuff.
• Wix Dot Com: Animated panda commercials, now with less racism
  So remember that one weird as hell out of left field screwy ad that somehow played off of every stereotype and was really badly animated and stuff and was about sales pitches or something? Hopefully not. But here’s a panda advertising a web service. As well as a movie. Also it’s kinda the same premise because some store needs to have ads but also a website. Also they just steal all the other ads. What is this ad even.
• Xfinity: We’re totally not Comcast, guys, we won’t break your Internet
  All about having more channels. (And maybe less Internet.) They think they’re Netflix. Even Netflix can’t do Netflix right. They keep losing shows and movies randomly so it’s not even reliable. So I don’t know if this cable thing would be reliable. Also it’s pretty much Comcast. I can’t trust Comcast. They kinda wanna kill off the Internet or at least their lawyers and/or CEOs do.

Okay, that’s commercials. What would I call my favorites? That beer commercial with the British lady coming down hard on drunk drivers. Obligated to like the Pokémon one also I suppose since that is a bit neat and not entirely about buying games. The one with Walken because Walken even though I’ll probably forget the car thing. PIRATE VIKING COFFEE. And the Colgate one just because who the hell even does that with their faucet when they brush, stop that. Screaming car is still weirdly funny. There, my top picks. Yay, commercialism. Capitialism. Stuff. Buy things. Make ads worth it.