Super Bowl LI/51 Commercial Reviews

Because why not. I did this before, might as well see what passes for advertising these days. Again. Even though I've been more exposed to TV now recently than I have been the whole time I was in college. Again, I'll post them alphabetically in the post because I'm never sure of the true order of things anyway.

• 84 Lumber: Immigrants will pick up your trash so why keep them out
  Also it's a company that sells wood to build things.
• A Cure For Wellness: Probably don't take this drug, it's full of drugs
  Apparently some kind of movie about inventing a cure that's so extreme it becomes a horror movie.
• Aflac: Remove a car organ from a person and replace it with a duck
  If you don't have insurance, you pay out the ass. Like that one commercial a long time ago where a guy literally was having surgery where cash came out of the ass. Also I don't know how sanitary ducks are.
• Airbnb: #FDT
  A message of acceptance from this company where I can't figure out what their name means. Or they could have just played this song on loop.
• Alfa Romeo: We didn't invent flying dragons yet but at least there's cars
  Some kind of speech about doing things. And that car isn't a hover car, but you could probably take it off some sweet jumps.
• Audi: Don't sell people, sell cars, and pay people
  You'd think guys would pay women more because they have boobs or something crazy like that, but no, they're just stupid rich jerks who need to have their balls in a vice. It's all about skill. Also cars.
• Avocados From Mexico: Avocados are the Illuminati
  If you ban Mexico, you ban avocados. And somehow by proxy, the Illuminati. Or maybe that's just what THEY want you to think. SUPERLIMINAL MESSAGES.
• Bai: Drink it then convert it to pee, then say bye to it
  It's some kinda juice or water or something and then there's celebrities.
• Baywatch: Movie runs at half speed
  Apparently they're going to make Baywatch into a movie that's some action cop thing or something. And there's the Rock again.
• Beats by Dr. Dre: Yell so loud you can't hear the music and then get headphones so you can hear it again
  Here's people yelling and then football and somehow this commercial is about headphones. They're expensive ones.
• Bud Light: DOGS ARE DEAD
  If you don't get drunk you will be haunted by dog ghosts. Don't stop drinking even if it's good for you to stop except also be responsible somehow because mandatory statements at the ends of commercials.
• Budweiser: If you ban immigrants, you ban beer
  Don't do prohibition, get drunk and tear down the Berlin Wall again even though they already did that. Find another wall and break it. And then invent another beer.
• Buick: This is somehow a car commercial
  So apparently the power is to get NFL people on a little league football team and turn dudes into ladies.
• Busch Beer: SHUT UP BEER
  If you open this beer, it won't shut up while also just always telling you to shut up. That's not a good selling point. How are you supposed to get drunk like this?
• Coca-Cola: I'm in love with the Coca-Cola
  Apparently when you eat, you're supposed to drink something, too. Wow, this'll make swallowing things much easier from now on.
• Comedy Central: Detroit the show
  I guess it's a new show they're putting on while South Park isn't on.
• Devour: Food you wanna ram your dick in even when it's scalding hot coming out of the microwave
  Apparently frozen food that's mostly bacon half the time is supposed to be good.
• Elder Scrolls Online: Morrowind, but not that one
  They're remaking Morrowind but not really as an expansion in their big MMO thing they're still selling. I played ESO once, it was weird but I kinda just wanted to do things on my own. However it still had more body type customization than Skyrim. Slightly. They should let you be extremes in that too, so be like this totally ripped guy that punches a hole into the whole planet or this hugely obese ninja that just moves at lightning speed somehow because game mechanics let you do anything.
• Evony: BIG BOOB TITTIES NIPPLES WITH GIANT BOOBIES CLEAVAGE WITH MORE BOOBS RATED 18+++++++
  So this is that thing with the ads that would have the GIANT BOOB TITS really up close and be like HEY ONCE YOU PLAY THIS YOU'LL BE WATCHING SO MUCH PORN THAT PEOPLE WILL FILE A MISSING PERSONS REPORT ON YOU. How is this still around and not banned for ultra viruses? That girl sure has a lot of clothes though. YOU MUST BATTLE IN THE BREASTRIARY IN NIPPOPOLIS.
• Expedia: TRAIN TRAIN WOO WOO
  Spying on your neighbors is wonderful and makes you travel.
• Fate of the Furious: 2 Fate 2 Furious
  I don't even know what this movie is about anymore. At one point it was street racing. Now they're spies or something. So now they're just copying Cars 2?
• Fiji Water: Expensive water straight from nature
  Here's water as a gift from nature but surrounded by urban sprawl and contained in a plastic bottle. Yeah makes sense. Is it supposed to be ironic?
• Ford: Don't get stuck in the middle of stuff
  Here's a bunch of America's Funniest Home Videos but it's about not having that happen I guess. Well then what are you going to do for $10,000? Work? Yeah right.
• Ghost in the Shell: Western anime dubs
  I don't know why they're making this anime into a movie that isn't an anime and is very Western-looking while trying to look Eastern but I guess the answer is money. Didn't this anime have like those weird spider-looking mechs with less legs and a bigger butt?
• GNC: Get pumped with supplements and change stuff
  About being able to change the world somehow or at least yourself. Also buy their supplements.
• GoDaddy: Here's all the memes from forever ago
  Yeah, GoDaddy for once not promising HUGE BOOB TITTIES if you go to their site to watch porn. Even though they're not really a porn site but they do sell domain names for porn sites. Anyway, memes. Again. We saw all these like a decade ago somehow.
• Google: Control the entire house with Google and not any of those other robot assistant air freshener-looking things
  Apparently all this to make a surprise party. Even though I totally saw this outside of the Super Bowl so what makes this a Super Bowl ad and not just some ad that plays during?
• Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2: What will they call the official soundtrack
  It's a sequel. And there's the raccoon with the baby Groot too. Also stuff. Where is this in the Marvel Cinematic Universe? Is this like the one set of movies you can watch without having to have watched the other dozen or so movies?
• H&R Block: Computers from THE FUTURE
  Apparently taxes are so hard they have to invent a super AI to do them for you. Even though I just did mine through some online thing and it wasn't too bad, just boring.
• Heinz Ketchup: By the time I saw this I already went to work
  Apparently trying to make the Monday after the big game a national holiday. You know with all the crazy going on I think they could have a chance trying to make a law out of this ketchup thing.
• Honda: Magic Harry Potter yearbooks cost extra
  DON'T LET YOUR DREAMS BE DREAMS, JUST DO IT. DOOOOOOOOOOOOO IT. DOOOOOOT. Why wasn't he in this?
• Hulu: Here's a show about crazy maids in a crazy future or something like it
  Is this like Stepford Wives but they're maids who get in fights and things? Extreme demon sacrifices to summon demon maids? And one there's just like some person who was accused of some crime they didn't do? I don't know, I don't have Hulu and I don't really intend either.
• Hyundai: How much are you supposed to pronounce the Y
  This isn't about a car, it's about some camera to bring the Super Bowl to the troops. Which is pretty cool technology.
• Intel: Tom Brady in the Matrix
  Because there's this technology that was developed a long time ago but it's now just like even better somehow, maybe, not that I'd know since I don't watch the actual football parts, but I saw halftime and was trying to look for where that could possibly be offensive and was hoping it suddenly would be.
• It's A 10: MAKE YOUR HAIR BETTER THAN AMERICA
  I once saw like this one sketch on Mad TV or something where this one lady was watching The Apprentice and then she went to comb the later-to-be I HAD NO IDEA THEN HOW STUPID PEOPLE ARE AND HOW DUMB THE ELECTORAL COLLEGE IS EVEN WITH BUSH AND ALL HAVING HAPPENED guy's hair and he gave her the whole company.
• KFC: Chicken made of pure gold for the fanciest jerks
  Even though the suit isn't gold and the chicken isn't actually covered in gold. Step it up, become nothing but pure gold, like Goldfinger or Goldmember.
• Kia: This is why charities are more than one person
  This lady is apparently some superhero who goes to every single cause that exists. Drives all the way across oceans to the ice caps and all to do things in the Kia which is also somehow a boat probably.
• Lexus: Robots can't feel
  If you make a machine that's inspired by something and that inspires someone to make another machine, will they make a general sort of car commercial about it?
• Logan: The Last Of X-Men
  The edgiest version of Wolverine yet.
• Life Water: A new type of acid rain
  Nothing but plain water, just laced with a few drops of LSD. And that's the only way they could justify it costing so much more than, you know, normal water.
• McDonald's: Like a phone you can eat
  Whatever you're doing, whoever you are, there's a Big Mac that you can eat. Unless you're like a vegetarian or vegan or just don't like the idea of getting meat products from McDonald's. 
• Mercedes:  Motorcycles with too many wheels
  Some biker bar with biker people and only one song on the jukebox, and then it's a car commercial.
• Michelob Ultra: Get drunk with Cheers and not the Michelin Man
  Here's people who are athletes doing some party after being athletes.
• Mobile Strike: If he wasn't busy playing phone games and wasn't from Austria, he could be President
  They keep showing him playing this game, and now he's heading the new Apprentice show because, you know, STUFF HAPPENED.
• Mr. Clean: The man your man could clean like
  If you clean, you will totally get action. So clean your toilet and make that a super bowl.
• Netflix: Stranger Things 2: 2 Strange 2 Things
  EGGOS MADE OF SATAN. I don't know much about this show side from that it exists.
• NFL: Don't kick the baby
  Football babies, not babies as footballs.
• NFL: Stay inside the lines or it's some kinda penalty or something
  The story of football and how it has the same name as another game in other countries. But it's this country.
• Nintendo: Will Smith's Switch
  I had to look this one up separate because it wasn't showing up in the ads thing. Is this a conspiracy to keep the PS4 on top? Anyway this song isn't Will Smith, it's someone else. If this was for another console it'd be a lot of dubstep and a few less colors and more adult proportions on all characters involved and a lot less being at laundromats. Unless it was like the Vita or something. Is the song about how the other two consoles are pretty much the same? And this one's different because you can take the console out of the console? Because that is something to note.
• Old Spice: The gorilla your man could smell like
  A bit less absurd in commercial compared to others, but it still involves someone doing something weird and saying something a bit strange.
• Persil ProClean: I have hardly heard of this detergent
  BILL BILL BILL BILL BILL NYE THE CLEANING GUY. Is it safe to use this detergent on extreme science chemicals?
• Pirates of the Caribbean: They're still making these movies?
  Apparently back to the ghost pirate thing or something, even though that was the first movie. And probably a bunch of others, they keep having weird pirate curses all throughout. And this movie was based on a ride. I've been on that ride. I wonder if they'll make a movie about Toad's Wild Ride which in turn was based on a movie but just make it even more crazy or edgy somehow.
• Secret: Don't smell bad, also football
  In this weird alternate universe where the Steelers made the big game instead of the *ATLANTA FALCONS* they still don't get along with the Patriots.
• Secret: When you don't smell, you know football
  Sometimes even football fans don't even know all the rules in football. I just know they have to get the ball to another side and sometimes kick it.
• Skittles: What if people were eating rocks thrown at them
  Here's a weird one, apparently if you use Skittles to throw at a window, they're just not gonna ignore it, but they won't answer you either. They'll invite all the cops and robbers over, too.
• Snickers: Presenting a whole hour of ABSOLUTELY NOTHING
  What is the deal of a live commercial, I'm watching it pre-recorded now and they didn't crop all the nothing. This looks pretty produced but I guess it's just the cinematic framerate. And then after the commercial there's just a really long fire extinguisher noise. And then nothing. Absolutely nothing. Perhaps it's a statement about life.
• Sprint: Verizon sucks, don't fake murder yourself over it
  It's that one guy and apparently Verizon will hold you hostage if you try to leave the country or something. As someone who uses Verizon because I'm just in some plan right now, I hope I'm not going to have this post change its words completely when I post it.
• Sprite: Don't order people to drink Sprite, just ask them
  I've seen this one before, apparently just trying to advertise Sprite without advertising Sprite.
• SquareSpace: Don't steal my name
  This guy is just calling someone holding his name as a website for ransom. That does really happen. It is a way to make money sometimes unless you just get kicked off with nothing but lawsuits or whoever.
• T-Mobile: 50 dildo phones up your ass
  SHOVE THE ENTIRE FUCKING PHONE UP MY ASS YOU FUCK AND TEXT ME PORN VIRUSES
• T-Mobile: Get fucked by Verizon
  Wait so if taxes and fees are included in the unlimited, does that mean you get unlimited taxes and fees you have to pay? That sounds like more of a fucking.
• T-Mobile: Justin Big Nerd
  The history of end zone dances presented by some guy you've probably heard of before.
• T-Mobile: SMOKE PHONES EVERY DAY
  Here's Martha Stewart for some reason, and then Snoop is there. It's about phones somehow. And weed jokes.
• Tide: Hashtag shirt stain
  Must be a slow news day. Where even on a football game they pay more attention to some guy who needs to clean his shirt.
• Tiffany and Co.: I was born knowing that this one jewelry company was the best
  Hey it's that lady from the halftime show. Talking about... doing stuff. I guess.
• Tostitos: Don't get drunk with these chips
  Because it's somehow the future, if you have to blow on a chip bag to see if you're drunk, you're probably already drunk enough to think that would work, but now they just invented that anyway. Is it supposed to be like you're too drunk to eat chips? Like the actual devices they put on cars to keep people from drunk driving? What if you just get the chips and then spray them with alcohol spray to get a lot of free rides?
• Transformers: They're still making these
  As long as there's explosions to explode, there will still be Transformers movies, probably.
• Tums: EAT THE ENTIRE BOTTLE
  WHY IS THIS SO LONG. Was this even a commercial? If this one aired, "length" definitely wasn't an issue for the lumber immigrants one.
• TurboTax: BLEEDING EGGS
  Here's an egg that's a giant meaty face and it's squirting fluid everywhere. This somehow involves taxes.
• WeatherTech: Do you have your commercial in a can?
  MADE IN AMERICA, FUCK YEAH. Audio quality outsourced to some country you haven't even heard of. It's floor mats.
• Wendy's: Maybe take the meat out of the freezer first
  Some weird commercial about freezing meat. Or not doing it.
• Wix Dot Com: Rated 5 stars for our movie fights
  People from movies blow up a restaurant so now he gets to be in 90 Fast 100 Furious with a racing truck.
• WONDERFUL Pistachios: Media elephant stereotypes
  Here's an elephant running on two legs who's like normal elephant shape. Is he trying to become like the weirdly bony Skinny Cow? Eat some nuts dude.
• World of Tanks: At least our game is better than this crap
  Shows would be cooler if people just randomly drove tanks into them, probably.
• Yellow Tail: Get drunk, but in Australia
  Here's an Australian man in a yellow suit talking about this sort of liquor-type drink. And there's a puppet kangaroo. Because it's not Australia without kangaroos. And the other animals, half of which are somehow venomous.

So that's all the commercials. Do I have any favorites? I don't know. I found the Skittles one pretty dumb but silly. Also everyone hates Verizon these days. They probably merged too many times. Am I going to get a Switch at launch? No. It's a bunch of money, more games come later, I either have some of them already or want them on something else, also they'll probably be out for a while. If they start bundling or take like enough off the price to buy a game with it, maybe around then, but we'll see.