Super Bowl LII/52 Commercial Stuff

Here we go again. Another year, another football tournament, one of the competitors is the same, whatever. Here's ads I reviewed because capitalism and boredom. Why are there so many.

• ABC: I guess American Idol is on this channel now, thanks Disney for buying everything from Fox
  TV shows are like in the comic books, they never really die, unless they're cancelled after like two episodes. Then they really die hardcore.
• ABC: American Idol still exists
  Yeah, they are bringing it back. Here's another commercial about it.
• Amazon: Skynet gets a frog jammed in its vocoder
  Apparently the backup for an AI system is to just put a bunch of celebrities on the line. I bet they would actually make a system like that, but maybe more like the underlying Matrix thing or something.
• Annihilation: GET ANNIHILATED THIS FEBRUARY
  So a giant soap bubble explodes slowly over the planet and creates some kind of demonic fairy dimension? Sounds better than a lot of things, really.
• Applebee's: Food for money
  Expensive burgers inside of other food. Using fresh beef so SUCK IT MCDONALD'S. It's a Wendy's ad.
• A Quiet Place: SHUT UP OR DIE
  It's almost like an art film, dialogue isn't allowed or some monster destroys them.
• Avocados from Mexico: Can avocados grow over a wall?
  MILLENNIAL HELL. Wall yourself in from everything but you can't get chips or wi-fi. But there's plenty of avocado toast. But you can't buy a house because of that.
• Banquet: Cheap food, expensive ad
  MEGA BOWL. I bet it looks a lot different for real. The MEGA aspect is to put chicken on top of mac and cheese. For all of the kinds.
• Banquet: Cheap food, expensive ad, again
  MEGA BOWL. Again. Yeah, if you ever had Banquet it's pretty much like when you want really cheap microwave food.
• Beats By Dr. Dre: I'm a rich football guy so I can afford expensive headphones
  Here's a speech while he throws a football.
• Bertolli: Noodles, the college treat, but not even brand name, unless ramen
  If you can cook pasta for yourself, that's a lot of the things about being adult taken care of.
• Bud Light: Shovel Knight's Drunk Estranged Bootleg
  The best thing you can do during a war is to go to the convenience store. While you're on the way you can do some sword thing and win a fight I guess.
• Budweiser: You can't get drunk on water
  Apparently they put water in cans for places that need water. You can crack open a Bud Extra Extra Extra Light.
• Credit Karma Tax: Taxes but karma
  You can balance your karma somehow with taxes. You can also be a stupid idiot and get paid for it. Thanks, YouTube. By thanks I mean FUCK YOU
• Coca-Cola: We're not Pepsi, in fact, we're pretty sure they ripped us off
  While Pepsi is for all generations, this is apparently for all people. I wonder how many people haven't heard of it though.
• Dodge Ram Trucks: Vikings
  Here are the Vikings. Not just the team. Unfortunately not at the game, but they're in an ad. I'm pretty sure there was a conspiracy set up in the NFL. I'm not sure what or why but there's very most likely a conspiracy.
• Dodge Ram Trucks: Here's a speech now buy a car
  Here's one of those manifesto things. But it's a different manifesto. It's not about a car. But the commercial is. The speech isn't. It's totally unrelated. What a weird attempt at a commercial.
• DORITOS AND DEW: Weird Rap Battles
  So Peter Dinklage, the guy from Game of Thrones, sets a house on fire with rap from Busta Rhymes, meanwhile Morgan Freeman, the guy from narrating a lot of things, sets a house on ice with rap from Missy Elliott. There aren't Xboxes here, just rap and celebrities.
• Duracell: Why does this clothes need a battery
  Apparently a battery can tell you how to do football. Or just have clothes on it. Tiny battery clothes.
• E*Trade: OLD PEOPLE
  If you don't have savings, get savings. Also something about other accounts. Don't get mad, get Glad bags and shove rich people in them or something like that.
• Final Fantasy 15 Phone Game: Come play this phone game that's exactly like other ones, my lord
  It's weird because they're bringing an actual scaled down version of the real FF15 to phones, but this incredibly generic thing exists with an incredibly generic commercial you've probably seen at least twice if you've played any other phone game that has ads.
• Fox But Movies: Red Bird
  I guess it's about Russian spies? But the cool kind?
• Groupon: Group Coupon
  Local business is nice, but Football In The Groin has a football in the groin. So does this commercial. I still don't really understand Groupon unless it's some thing you're doing with co-workers.
• Healthy Choice: More like frozen food choice, so Wendy's will attack you for about 20 ads
  It's a frozen food. Apparently you should eat an entire lava pepper before you go to sleep.
• Healthy Choice: DON'T LET YOUR FOOD BE FROZEN JUST MICROWAVE IT
  There are a lot of words I don't know what they are but they're somehow a food.
• HEB: Country rap???
  YO WHAT UP THIS IS A FOOD COMPANY. I guess. WE MAKE FOOD AND IT INVOLVES TEXAS.
• Hulu: Castle Rock? Isn't that the production company from the Seinfeld end credits?
  Apparently this is a show about the Stephen King Universe. We are the murder clowns, we're here to murder you, and make you float in the sewers because they keep talking about that, also it was funny in that one trailer when the kid smacked his face into the road barrier. Also it means anything from evil cars to flying meatballs can destroy them, I guess.
• Hunt's: Presented by Mike
  We put tomatoes in cans, then you can eat them, right out of the can if you really want to.
• Hunt's: Cans can hold many things, like many tomatoes
  Steam cleaned and Vinesauced, it's tomatoes in a can. Not like that other place that puts potatoes in cans.
• Hyundai: A lie detector, but it's for hope, I guess
  So if you buy a car, it donates to things, then you get taken aside from the airport or whatever and you meet someone who got cured from research? They come out of the screen, too, like The Ring but it's not a horror show I guess.
• Hyundai: Screw tiny baby "football", let's watch REAL football
  Apparently if you drive in a car and get all the kids off of the field, you can get people to the Super Bowl.
• Intuit: Why skip an ad when you can make it unskippable
  Apparently this tax company makes a robot that makes ads skippable. By the way who the hell puts like an entire movie onto YouTube as an ad? And why does YouTube allow that? And to allow it to not be skipped? Also why did they allow cryptominer viruses to take over the site?
• Jack in the Box: Martha Stewart in the house
  Apparently for some reason they decided to pair these two in a commercial, and then she rips off his nose and ketchup just sprays everywhere in a gory tomato-y mess. I wish.
• Jeep: The Road by Cormac McCarthy is a book I know of
  It's a car that's supposed to not be on roads, essentially not just between home and soccer school. I guess that's their point?
• Jeep: Anti-Communist Anti-Manifesto
  How many car ads have you seen with someone talking over it? Here's another one. Jeep even did one just like the one they talked about in this one before.
• Jeep: Jeeps and Dinosaurs
  Jeff Goldblum always finds a way to have flashbacks to his times with the dinosaurs. But the way he says "I just did" and the way the lady walks off just makes me laugh because it's like, oh no, now we have to make sure he buys that car because there's no way I'm getting in there now. Or maybe I'm just going crazy watching a bunch of commercials.
• Kia: The guy with the mouth
  Apparently this car drives backwards so fast it reverses time, so it's like Superman, or Big Rigs Racing. And it has the guy from Aerosmith.
• Kid Cuisine: This counts as food
  The pudding turns blue because they mix blue stuff in it. That's not as amazing as the other kind where you mix one color of powder in and it becomes this monster that grows out of the plastic tray which you have to cleave in half to eat its pudding internal organs. Actually that might not even be Kid Cuisine, I'll have to check.
• Kraft: Family is somehow a verb
  Here they went to Facebook and took a bunch of pictures from people. And videos. And GIFs somehow.
• Lexus: Car for cats
  Marvel is still doing stuff. Here's Black Panther and friends driving around town, kinda.
• Little Smokies Smoked Sausage: HIGH LIFE
  Is this an ad that showed? It's short and it has a talking sausage. Okay then.
• Little Smokies Smoked Sausage: Ads are cheap if you make them as short as possible
  Yeah, another one.
• Mamma Mia: Abba The Musical 2: Jackie Chan's On Me
  Yeah, they made another. Even though I think there was only one play. Maybe they made another in secret so they could make a movie.
• Marie Callenders: Pie, but not the dessert kind, even though they make those
  You can microwave some dinner, or you can put it into the oven if you wanna act like it's the 50s because the microwaves haven't been perfected yet or something.
• Marie Callenders: TIME FOR DAD
  Dads eat from the microwave. And the kids listen to that twerkathon dubstep or whatever.
• Metromile: Like that phone thing but for cars
  You can save money on car insurance by not paying for it. Or paying less I guess. Here's something that's just pay as you go. This looks pretty low budget, must be that random cheap slot they give to any company.
• Metromile: Hey Oregon stop wasting money
  This looks like exactly the same commercial except they make a sick burn on Oregon.
• Michelob ULTRA: Today on Will It Fit?: A beer
  Hey it's that guy from Marvel movies. It's a role in a beer commercial. The thing is this is a beer commercial.
• Michelob ULTRA: HEY DAD I LIKE BEEEEEEEEEEER (VOMITS PROFUSELY)
  Then I guess this is the commercial from the last commercial. They sing about beer. And do things aside from being drunk.
• Mission Impossible 6: Fallout: New Vegas: Tactics: Brotherhood of Steel: Morrowind
  Looks like another action movie with that guy in it.
• M&Ms: It stands for Danny DeVito
  At least we know M&Ms aren't GARBAGE. It's a MAGNUM DONG of flavor. I don't know a lot of references from the show. Something about being born from a couch. He may not be Pikachu, but he's an M&M. Also note the GARBAGE truck.
• Mucinex: You're covered in snot
  Why is the booger now just trying to get him to go to work? I thought the giant boogers made people stay home because reasons and the medicine was to get them to go to work.
• Mucinex: Didn't another company want people to stay home before?
  Yeah, a booger saying to actually be sick when you call in sick.
• NBC: The Voice is a show still
  You know how there's American Idol coming back? I guess this is still here. They did a literal song for the commercial.
• NBC: Dance World
  It's another show where people dance I guess.
• NBC: We have TV shows
  Yeah, they do a musical for some reason. Also for some reason they wanted to bring back Will and Grace. It's like they're bringing back all the shows I only sorta knew about as a kid and don't have a lot of investment in.
• NBC: All rise... for a TV show
  Oh no it's another one of these shows. And it's somehow a musical.
• NBC: Jesus Christ! A superstar.
  What's the buzz? This apparently. I still don't really know what this is about.
• NBC: Good to rob craft stores
  These girls rob places because they need money. I need money. But I'd only want to do it to places that really deserve it. I can think of several.
• NBC: Apbio!
  It's like from Harry Potter. But it's a show that they want to make and I don't know how long it'll last.
• NBC: Rob the jewelry store and tell them make me a purse
  Yeah, this will be another show, too.
• NBC Sports: Hey there's another sports thing happening soon don't get too sportsed out okay
  Here's how a dad trained his daughter for the Olympics in snowboarding. It involves a car I guess. This isn't a car ad, or is it?
• NBC Sports: Hey look more sports
  Here's another sports thing, about training to ice skate. Like a boss, apparently.
• NBC Sports: MORE SPORTS
  Here's another snowboarder. He had a game once and I played it. I don't know if this song was on there but they had one by Loverboy.
• NBC Sports: SPORTS SPORTS SPORTS SPORTS SPORTS
  Oh no this girl is on fire. Good thing she's at the Winter Olympics as a skiier.
• NBC Sports: This isn't us, it's me
  Yep, more sports.
• NBC Sports: Even more sports? Yes.
  HEY IT'S YOUR COUSIN OR SOMETHING YOU KNOW THAT OLYMPIC ATHLETE YOU'VE BEEN LOOKING FOR WELL LISTEN TO THIS
• Netflix: The real paradox is how is Cloverfield still getting things made about it that are hardly related
  Find out why Cloverfield even happened but be even more confused by it because of JJ Abrams.
• NFL: I thought they banned extravagant touchdown dances?
  Well here's an extravagant touchdown dance. Dance number. Like that one time on Family Guy.
• NFL: Is this acting
  What is this guy even on.
• NFL: Does he have one of those Bluetooth things
  Or is he just crazy.
• NFL: INFINITE FOOTBALL
  The end of one season is the start of another, but that one doesn't end, it just keeps starting over. It's stuck. It has your baby. It wakes up in bed, no matter how exploded it is. Now with infinitely more Instagram Facebook crap all over it. Wash me.
• NFL: 1 2 3 4 Those Goddamn Lemon Stealing Whores
  These people are just like, okay, what, this guy is on things, let's just look at him.
• Old Spice: Sweater weather but foreign
  French people. I guess. Find a dog, yell about Old Spice in the streets.
• Optimum: I've seen these before, they're called Roku or Chromecast or Amazon Fire TV Stick
  Yeah, another TV streaming thingy you plug in with USB and HDMI and you need a lot of bandwidth for this.
• Pam: Pumpers like to spray oil everywhere
  GET RIPPED with groceries. Also always take pictures of food for Instagram. You, Pam, do it. DO IT. JUST DO IT. Do it now, before the moon wanes.
• Pam: Oil is science, like how it doesn't mix with water
  Do it. Do it. DO IT. NOW. BEFORE THE MOON WANES.
• Pam: Dog.
  Dog. Doggy. Doggy doggy dog dog. Doooooooooooooog. Also people eat cauliflower like that, what?
• Pepsi: This is the police. I mean Pepsi.
  Hey did you know Pepsi is a brand and a lot of people have used it? Sure, okay.
• Persil Proclean: I still don't really know what this is
  This video is cursed like The Ring where if you watch it some guy comes out of the TV and gives you detergent. But don't eat it or else he'll come back out and drown you in a washing machine.
• PF Chang's: I've heard about this restaurant but I haven't really seen one or been to one
  You don't even need to know what a restaurant is to get food that's maybe from there in frozen form.
• PF Chang's: Roll an egg
  Here you can eat Chinese not really like Chinese. Panda Express looks more traditional than this commercial.
• Pringles: It's Pringles
  If you mix Pringles you get a flavor that's from mixed Pringles. SHUT THE HELL UP NOBODY LIKES YOU.
• Reddi Wip: We still can't spell either of these words
  Oh no, pancakes, better put whipped cream on them. Then he apparently gets the idea to put it on everything. But they don't go anywhere with this idea. He has a glass of orange juice he could dump the stuff into, that would be funny. Put it on cars. I don't know, do something. Put it on Danny DeVito.
• Rocket Mortgage: Like Rocket League but houses and not soccer
  They explain stuff to you, I guess. Somehow even knowing what people are doing on dating apps. Despite being about mortgages.
• Skittles: Let's show commercials but not
  Apparently their angle this year was to show an ad to one person who may or may not actually exist. And make ads about that.
• Skittles: What is a real commercial
  Undefine the lines that define a commercial and you might actually make ads that don't seem like ads. Also Ross from Friends is in all of these.
• Slim Jim: Eat this to resemble Aerosmith
  It's meat. Probably.
• Sofi: Don't sit on this, it's not a sofa
  When you get somewhere, you owe money for thousands of years, unless you pay it off.
• Sprint: Robots? Robots.
  Hey if you still use Verizon robots will laugh at you. So will human rights advocates, probably. My next carrier will probably be not Verizon, but not likely to be Sprint either. Depends who's available and not absorbed by a superconglomerate by the time I can break out of whatever I'm in at the moment. Hopefully keep the phone, though.
• Squarespace: WHOA
  I know bike fu. I think this is another thing to make websites. Weirdly enough, the place I put my website isn't so much about the Matrix as it is about Serial Experiments Lain.
• Stella Artois: Fancy drink glass
  Here's another charity thing, this time if you buy a fancy drink glass it donates water to people. But what if you drink from a normal cup and send more water with the money you save? Or you drink from a Viking stein or something and sail the high seas for coffee or something?
• Sun Basket: What the hell
  Is this one of those services where you mail vegetables? You can get those at a store usually. This really only works for people who can't get out of the house or grow their own. Also this has too many puns. Stop it.
• SWYFUY (how do you even pronounce this): Smallville but not
  It's another Superman show, this time it's not on the CW.
• TD Ameritrade: Why watch sports when you can watch stocks
  COME ON SAY THE THING "I DIDN'T DO IT" YAY Also you can get your Bitcoin futures there. They don't look too good right now.
• The Purge: The Island: The Possibility This Will Happen Is... Higher Than Usual?
  Wasn't there this game called Danganronpa 2? I don't know. That's probably better. It probably has better music at least. Anyway prepare to dive further into hell. Not about the movie, I mean reality. The reality I'm trying to tear asunder at its quantum roots to make way for the new dimension which will at least work correctly.
• Tide: Everything you've ever known is now Tide
  This starts an infinite realization that every single ad with clean clothes is a Tide ad. Especially this one, which is specifically a Tide ad. Even the food ads, where you DO NOT EAT THESE. Even the Persil Proclean ad where the guy escapes the TV.
• Tide: SURPRISE MOTHERFUCKER
  Do not bathe with Tide. Instead bathe your clothes in it. He's in a Tide ad.
• Tide: Horses and bald people
  Now they're Tide. Do not eat them. You might be able to eat a real horse, and if you're a cannibal, a real person, but don't eat detergent. You stupid detergent-eating idiot. I'm not talking about you unless I am.
• Tide: What is this, some kinda crazy tennis?
  This American detergent is America's number one American detergent in America.
• T-Mobile: Hashtag Tiny Babies
  Is this another Westworld commercial? Or one of those weird movies where they clone people? Also why is it a baby version of Nirvana?
• Tom Clancy's Never Ending Stories: Jack Ryan
  Another Prime show because it's on Amazon Prime, that's about it. If this was a game, what would it be? Something like Spec Ops The Line? Or another one of those things Ubisoft keeps doing?
• Tostitos: Fire the Tostitos
  Get your own ad with these guys, apparently. I don't think they'll do what I want, however, which would involve long drawn out shots with obscure choir classical techno music and nearly meaningless poetry that means something if you think too hard about it. Also it would be longer than any football game.
• Tourism Australia: Our country is better, even the country parts
  Also it's somehow a movie but it's not. If you're looking for a new place to live, this may be a place.
• Toyota: Drive Toyota cars with Toyota prosthetics
  Apparently they're wanting to make a lot of things aside from cars, like more robots, if whatever was at the end was any indication. Also did they find a baby that only had one hand or is that a CGI thing they did?
• Toyota: Flying drone cars
  That flying car design looks a bit weird, like it was being lifted by a crane. It probably was. But they wanna make all kinds of crazy technology.
• Toyota: This time it's actually involving a car
  Many religions, one team. For football. Also Olympics. And Paralympics.
• TurboTax: Spooky ghost gets ectoplasm all over the tax documents
  You can do your taxes with this software if you want. You might get money for it.
• TurboTax: Secret tax documents under the bed, mixed with the extreme pornography
  Here's a mole slug. They're British and do taxes.
• Tyson: Little nuggies for little kids
  SACRIFICE THE NUGGETS. BOW TO THE CHICKEN OVERLORD.
• Universal Pictures: Skyscrapers are buildings FEATURING DWAYNE THE ROCK JOHNSON
  THIS SUMMER, DIE HARD, WITH A PROSTHETIC LEG. Get it, it's like With a Vengeance but they make it very clear in the commercial that he has a prosthetic leg, never mind.
• Universal Pictures: Jurassic World: Because people liked the first Jurassic World enough even though Jurassic Park was definitely a thing before, this one is just in Florida I guess
  I guess in this movie they blow up the island, but they get dinosaurs from it, but also the evil people which is everyone else makes them into bioweapons so it's like Metal Gear but the real thing.
• Unsolved: Who murdered the rappers and who murdered rap are different concepts
  So is this how they solve it or not or is this a reality show or what? Is it Ted Cruz?
• Walt Disney Studios: We still own Star Wars now
  Two full hours of that weird Dance Central clone with Han Solo dancing to a Jason Derulo song cover thing. But okay, it's Childish Gambino and he's Lando Calrissian in a parked Millenium Falcon. Why's every black rapper gotta act some? Is he the best one? Like a call girl, Invader Zim. Drinking from a red Solo cup. What if when they froze him it was in a giant red cup?
• Walt Disney Studios: MARVEL BABY
  Infinite war. No, not real life this time, it's a comic book thing. They fight a purple Ballchinian.
• Weathertech: We make weather
  Apparently the American way to make buildings is to put up all the walls first, then hold them up with poles, and then eventually put floors in. I've seen other buildings made this way. It doesn't make sense.
• Wendy's: Lettuce
  Ice is evil because it blew up a ship once. Get only the freshest burgers. Get a cow and shove it into the grill.
• Wendy's: F for FUCK YOU
  Again they're repeating the whole "it's frozen so it's bad" thing. Get a real fresh burger. Eat flesh directly from a cow.
• Wendy's: I guess Wendy's is running against McDonald's for senator?
  They keep going on THIS ONE SAYING on their website because they're better or something. Get the freshest burger possible. From the freshest cow possible. As soon as a cow is spontaneously generated from technology, eat its entire head off.
• Wendy's: For fuck's sake find more dirt on them
  Really, you're talking about McDonald's. There's a lot worse that frozen burgers.
• Wendy's: Just say they eat babies or something, there you go, new commercial
  I'm not even a fan of McDonald's and I still think this is overkill on one subject.
• Westworld: Like the movie but a show
  It's that show where they make people to make a world but then it goes crazy and they break out or something.
• Wix.com: Websites I guess
  I don't know who these people are but I guess they're from YouTube. And they don't seem to be corpse harvesters. I don't know the legal state of necromancy here. It's probably not. Anyway here's how to use a website to make a generic templated website, meanwhile I have my Neocities page that I just cumulatively assemble over time and is raw HTML. I like to get into the code. It feels right.
• YouTube: We're sick of people posting stuff on our channel so now we'll just become TV entirely, that solves all of the problems
  It's another streaming service, but you can buy your local networks that you can get with an antenna. This sounds unnecessary. Unless you're just in it for cable or whatever.

Just going to call it here, because that's pretty much all the ones I've found and have heard of. If I had to pick favorites, Danny DeM&M and Jeep Goldblum, plus all of the Tide ads, whatever they actually were. The rap battle of Dewritos was weird but I recognized everyone there. If the whipped cream guy actually tried putting it on everything in the house and trying to taste it, that would have been a good ad. Otherwise I don't really know. Aside from the mixed messages of either fresh or frozen meat. Don't be a frozen restaurant, but otherwise, freeze everything, I guess, unless you sell restaurant stuff outside of the restaurant, then you can freeze that too? Also people I know or don't know trying to sell me on premade websites. I'll throw together my own, thanks.